From Bistre Leopard, 2 Weeks ago, written in Plain Text.
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  1. https://finagraph.globalclassroom.us/portal/view/view.php?id=379
  2. https://responselaw.globalclassroom.us/portal/view/view.php?id=155
  3. https://eadviser.globalclassroom.us/portal/view/view.php?id=119
  4. https://utavboc.globalclassroom.us/portal/view/view.php?id=122the JD
  5. https://learn.globalclassroom.us/portal/view/view.php?id=179
  6. https://vtnorthernlights.globalclassroom.us/portal/view/view.php?id=1870
  7. https://semo.globalclassroom.us/portal/view/view.php?id=111
  8. https://lakecountysbdc.globalclassroom.us/portal/view/view.php?id=121
  9. https://politichatter.com/read-blog/21352
  10. https://okcupid.wodemo.net/entry/538005
  11. https://www.inaturalist.org/observations/96769623
  12. https://www.inaturalist.org/observations/96769899
  13. https://www.inaturalist.org/observations/96770235
  14. https://firislite2-demo.zelpo.sk/web/okcupid
  15. https://ethospower.org/mahara/view/view.php?id=36
  16. https://ilsbdclakecounty.globalclassroom.us/portal/view/view.php?id=391
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  18. continuously feeling an undercurrent of fear, worry, discontentment and helplessness. I can talk and joke around and sound happy but under it all is something different that seems unchangable and a permanent part of my being. I need to realize the details of what I never accomplished in life and to be convinced the future is merely a continuation of the past – WHICH IT ALWAYS has been. I am making a list of items that will provide motivation to do the exit plan, it won’t be published. I always had hope that maybe things will improve especially if I make big attempts to change my life. I made many big changes in the past two years but everything is still the same. Life is over. Even though I look good, dress well, well groomed – nails, teeth, hair, etc. Who knows.
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  20. To pull the exit plan off, it popped into my mind to just use some booze. I want to do this before I get laid off, for reasons not worth mentioning but don’t seem to have the balls. After the gym, I stopped at Shop N Save and got a fifth of vodka and a small bottle of Jack Daniels. I haven’t had a drink since September 1, 1988, just over 20 years. It doesn’t matter now, I need to use it to take the edge off of carrying out the exit plan. I will be taking some every now and then to get used to it and see if the alcohol effects will embolden me. Weed would be fun to try again. I don’t know who has any. Life is over, who cares? I just need to use common sense, can’t drink and drive, etc. This idea just hit me at a point in time and I immediately acted on it. Same thing happened when I decided to go back to Pitt full time, first day was Monday, May 8, 1989, and to buy the house that closed on Friday, September 30, 1996, to name two examples I remember so well.
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  22. I actually had a date today. It was with a woman I met on the bus in March. We got together at Two PPG Place for lunch. The last date for me was May 1, 2008. Women just don’t like me. There are 30 million desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one. Not one of them finds me attractive. I am looking at The List I made from my May 4th idea. I forgot about that for several days. That tells me where I stand. These problems have gotten worse over a 30 year period. I need to expect nothing from me or other people. All through the years I thought we had the ability to change ourselves – I guess that is incorrect. Looking at The List makes me realize how TOTALLY ALONE, a deeper word is ISOLATED, I am from all else.
  23. I no longer have any expectations of myself. I have no options because I cannot work toward and achieve even the smallest goals. That is, ABOVE ALL, what bothers me the most. Not to be able to work towards what I want in my life. I believe I am deserve that. I read recently it is called “self efficacy”, but who knows. Is that more psychobable?
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  25. Wow, already late evening. I stayed in all day. Can’t believe there was NOTHING to do today. No parties or picnics. WTF. No need to leave now.
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  27. July 20, 2009:
  28. Been a long time since last write. Everything still sucks. But I got a promotion and a raise, even in this shitty Obama ecomomy. No more grunt programming. Go figure! New boss is great. He tactfully says when you did something wrong or complements on good things. Never confused with him. But that is NOT what I want in life. I guess some of us were simply meant to walk a lonely path. I have slept alone for over 20 years. Last time I slept all night with a girlfriend it was 1982. Proof I am a total malfunction. Girls and women don’t even give me a second look ANYWHERE. There is something BLATANTLY wrong with me that NO goddam person will tell me what it is. Every person just wants to be fucking nice and say nice things to me. Flattery. Oh yeah, I am sure you can get a date anytime. You look good, etc.
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